Even before Donald Trump took office, we wrote about how the Turkish commandant Pashinyan, who temporarily heads the collaborationist government in Yerevan, was desperately looking for fresh newspaper headlines. The meaningless document that the Biden administration (destroyed by Trump) threw to the dogs of Yerevan as a farewell dice made the headlines of the second-rate Pashinyan-affiliated tabloids. However, there are no former yellow journalists, and his corrupt soul always demands more and more new headlines. And here he is – the great velvet ‘democrat-reformer’ who denies entry to all dissenting Armenians, who gets on a broadcasted economy class flight together with his wife. Thus, the headline number one is ready. No funds for dental treatment, a TV screen on a consumer loan, a bicycle, trips on the subway and by bus, economy class on a plane – we have seen it all. Cliché? Sure. Primitive? Of course, but it works. Besides, this is just an informational aperitif, the main course awaits in Washington.
While the Turkish commandant and his companion were enjoying the long flight, the media dumps, feeding off the Turkish lira and Azeri manat, were actively warming up the proud citizens of Armenia and the spineless silent collaborationists. Pashinyan is waiting for a meeting with President Trump, Pashinyan has been invited as an honorary guest to the Atlantic Council, Pashinyan is going to remind the Americans of their obligations to Armenia. By the way, it is extremely primitive. They could have come up with something more interesting, for example, ‘Pashinyan is invited to a closed meeting of the Bilderberg Club’, ‘Trump wants to consult with Pashinyan on foreign and defence policy’, ‘Annex Greenland or surrender Texas? Republicans are waiting for Pashinyan’s opinion’. Use it, gentlemen, however, remember that even the most backward metropolis does not need collaborationists without imagination and creativity. We emphasise that Turkey is definitely not one of them.
During the flight, the Turkish commandant had wonderful dreams about his young Janissaries greeting him at the airport, while his former English language tutor and now the commandant’s plenipotentiary ambassador to Washington, Lilit Makunts, accompanied by gleaming three-star US generals,graduates of West Point, the top US military Academy, present him with an invitation to meet with President Donald Trump. In this letter, Trump writes that Mahatma Gandhi (a great populist that partitioned the historically secular nation of India by inventing the never before existed Pakistan and Eastern Pakistan and a great friend of Kemal Ataturk, the founder of the Turkish Republic and the first denier of the Armenian Genocide) came to him in a dream and asked him to convey that he and Kemal were proud of Pashinyan’s Genocide-denying legacy and could not wait to meet with him. The US president was particularly grateful to Pashinyan for assisting with overcoming the internal division in America, since it was solely thanks to his visit that the Democrats and Republicans took a pause in their confrontation. In exchange for the opportunity to shake Pashinyan’s hand, Trump-hating senators were ready to personally walk to Texas with weapons in their hands and defend the country’s border from illegal immigrants.
And at that moment, the flight attendant shook the Turkish commandant, smiling in his sleep, by the shoulder and warned that it would be good to fasten his seat belts – the plane had started the descent. The commandant’s adventures in Washington began. And the reality was just like that dream, except for the generals from West Point and the letter from Trump. Well, never mind, at least all the young Janissaries were in place, while Makunts’ smile gave him hope that there would be a new powerful newspaper headline. Although, at that moment he did not know that a smile from ear to ear was all that his English language tutor had learnt during her three years as Armenia’s ambassador to the United States. But let’s not be too hard on her, as psychiatry says that smiling and laughing for no reason is a sign of absence of even basic intellectual development. No wonder he appointed her, because against her background, Pashinyan is like George Washington.
The real results of the Washington voyage are a few unremarkable meetings, an opportunity to demonstrate his terrible English accent in front of second-rate experts from the Atlantic Council, which has long become a gateway for anyone who is rejected by really influential think tanks like the Council on Foreign Relations. Still, a bunch of meaningless headlines had been collected, but leaving only with them was not an option. And then, out of pity, he is given a chance to talk a little and take a picture with the double his height Vice President Vance. Even the Vice President disappointed the Turkish commandant – there was no letter, no message from the President Trump.
But what is the difference? Who cares? The headline is ready, which means the visit was a success, the national interests are protected, the Armenian people can continue to enjoy strong coffee in the restaurants of Yerevan’s Northern Avenue, while the Armenian soldier on the border can sleep peacefully in the frame of nearby Azeri snipers.
